Safe and Saved

About this time last year, I picked up running. I'd been mostly inactive for at least a few months to half a year before that. I was just doing some exercise here and there, with no real commitment to anything. I spent last spring, summer, and early fall running. I loved it, I felt accomplished. After my last race in October, I decided I needed to focus on increasing my strength for my upcoming trip to Guatemala, where I knew we would be doing hard physical labour. I have been totally hooked on weightlifting for the past six months. This marks one year that I have been 100% committed and consistent with doing some type of strenuous physical activity.

I am always in awe of the things our bodies were created to do. How our bodies can adapt and overcome. How we can push through hardness and come out feeling like we have succeeded. There is no feeling like crossing a finish line after a long arduous race, it's a high like no other. I love working out. I love sharing my love of working out with other people. I'm happy at the gym, I'm happy with my running shoes on. I want to empower women to be physically active. To show them the effort is worth it.

But there is one thing in the back of my mind that tears down all these wonderful feelings. I haven't lost any weight in this past year. There are times in the year I have, but nothing that has consistently stayed off. The funny part is, I'm not overweight. I don't need to lose weight. I'm healthy the way I am, and now after this past year, I'm even more physically healthy. I still can't shake that nagging feeling....

I feel like I am stuck in the middle zone of two different worlds. My heart is so passionate about woman accepting themselves as they are, that I find myself having tremendous guilt when I start to become focused on how I 'look'. My number one goal is to be healthy, and I am. I have done a lot in my life to overcome feeling crappy about my weight. Yet, I still struggle.

My friend, Ali, shared a post on Facebook, Tigers, weight gain, and what I accomplished this deployment, and I have been thinking about it ever since. I can totally identify with what this woman is talking about. Take a second to read her post. I'm going to do what she did, and take a second to get real honest.

When I saw the photos of our trip to Guatemala, instead of noticing the beautiful things in the photo, or remembering the people and events that happened in the setting of the photo; my first instinct was to look at how I looked. I focused on all the negative parts of me. Tearing myself down. Instead of seeing the truth in this photo, I saw the rolls on my belly. I missed the fact that I was in Guatemala. The fact that I was surrounded by smiling, laughing children, the beautiful green grass, and my wonderful new friend coming out of her shell to share a laugh with these children.

I feel guilty for thinking of myself after living through an experience like we had in Guatemala. I feel like a failure when thinking of all the people who supported me on this trip.  

So here I am, trapped in this twilight zone of proclaiming self acceptance, empowerment for woman, feeling strong and healthy, yet being concerned with the extra bit of fat that may or may not inhabit my body. I know how I SHOULD feel and think. Everyday is a struggle. I'm missing out on truly SEEING and truly LIVING.  But how do I make it a reality? 

I sing to God the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved. 

2 Samuel 22:4 (The Message) 

There is only one who I can turn to and find comfort. It's the same one that created this strong, amazingly complex body of mine. The one who gave me the strength and drive to run two half marathons last fall. The one that created my muscles to work together, to give me energy when I feel like I have none. The one who created the beautiful world in which I am in awe of every time I go outside for a run. The one who created those happy, loving children in Guatemala, the cliffs along the river we boated on, the stunning hot spring and waterfall we visited. The one who gave me life, the one who gave me my family.  

Safe and Saved. That's what I want to be. 

That's what I am. 

~Angela

She is clothed with strength and dignity....

I have a topic close to my heart that I really need to share. I didn't know I cared about it so much, but clearly I do, because I can't stop thinking about it. I've touched on it before, but I today I was thinking about some of my girlfriends and family, and my heart started beating out of my chest and my eyes started watering, so here I go again. While I do have some particular women in mind when I write this, I am hoping you all get something from this message.

I NEED you to know how wonderful you are. My head and my heart are swirling and I'm worried I wont get the right words out to fully explain what I am trying to say.

I see the way you look at yourself, the way you critique everything you do, the way you second guess yourself, the way you try to always say the right thing. You worry, you worry a lot. You look in the mirror and see everything you don't like about yourself staring back at you.
But do you know what, I don't see those things about you. My heart explodes with love when I think about you. I think you are wonderful. You may mess up every once and a while and say the wrong things, but guess what? You're still perfectly wonderful.
I wish that you could look in the mirror and see what I see when I look at you. Just think, if I see all that wonderfulness, imagine how your creator sees you!!

...God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 MSG

You are judging yourself based on the standards of today's culture. You need to change your focus and look at yourself the way the Lord looks at you. You are a daughter of the King! He made you the way you are on purpose and you are stunningly beautiful to Him! Our culture has caused you to be constantly measuring yourselves against images of women in the media without even realizing it, or maybe you do realize it and don't see the damage it causes you. You follow your favorite actors/actresses, athletes, musicians on things like Facebook and Instagram under the guise of 'inspiration', but you are actually perpetuating the belief that your worth depends on your looks, your weight, your wealth, or your influence.  Only negativity can come from this, you will never measure up to the artificial perfection displayed in these photos. The lives of the people you look up to are no less broken than you! You will constantly be striving to be like someone else, but guess what, that person you are striving to be is no more worthy that you!!

... Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2 MSG

But it's not only about you! Whether you know it or not, people are influenced by you, and these easily influenced people are watching you-your daughters, your sisters, your mothers, your friends. These females love you and look up to you, so if you think you aren't good enough, what does that do to them? How does that make them value themselves? Think for a moment, would you want these woman to put as much pressure on themselves as you do to yourself?


I'm writing this as if I'm not affected, but I am. I struggle with this as much as you do! That's how I'm so acutely aware of your pain and struggles. But thankfully there is hope for us all, and it's found in the love of our Father...

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we’re called children of God! That’s who we really are. But that’s also why the world doesn't recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he’s up to.

But friends, that’s exactly who we are: children of God. And that’s only the beginning. Who knows how we’ll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we’ll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his Coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus’ life as a model for our own. 1 John 3:1-3 MSG

That scripture sums up more than I could ever dream of explaining myself.


In closing, I want to share one more verse that was a staple in a bible study I just completed:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25 NLT

Ladies, clothe yourselves with the love and dignity that can only come from our Father, through only that will we find freedom! 

~Angela 

.

Maybe we should just say I love you...

Somehow it's almost December,  I have absolutely no idea how that happened. Summer was here, I closed my eyes, and now its almost Christmas. With that brings all the hustle and bustle that comes with December and the old dreaded 'Happy Holidays' debate. Groan. Double groan.
I've already seen several posts come up about it on my Facebook news feed, and guess what, I'm chiming in too! ; )
Just so you all know my perspective on this issue, I am Christian, I am raising my children as Christians, but my husband does not identify as a Christian (though shares many of our values). I also have other non-believers in my family, as well as other family members and friends who practice different religions.

There seems to be this trend going on where Christians are concerned that the general public are forgetting about the 'reason for the season'. The thought is, as Christians, we should be correcting people when they say Happy Holidays to help solve this problem. When someone says Happy Holidays to you, and you come back and say, "you mean Merry Christmas", or something along those lines, you aren't going to remind them about Jesus, you are probably going to make them wish they didn't talk to you in the first place.

Let me tell you fellow Christians, if you aren't already aware, we don't always have the best 'reputation' among people with beliefs different than ours. We don't need to reinforce their negative beliefs about us by singling people out during the holiday season. People are busy enough and stressed enough.  How about instead we try and demonstrate the behaviours us as Christians should be trying to demonstrate every single day. Be the light in their busy day. Instead of worrying about whether or not someone says Happy Holidays, lets start with doing things that should already be evident in our lives:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Be the person that lets someone go ahead in line, help a lost shopper find what they are looking for, donate, spend time with people, cook a meal for someone, hold open a door, smile to that busy cashier who can't get a break. Hey, in the midst of this busy time, don't you think those behaviours would turn more heads (in a good way of course!) and reflect who you want to be as a Christian, rather than making someone feel awkward because they wished you a Happy Holidays....

Jesus calls us to love others, so lets actually do it. Do things like this silly debate actually reflect our LOVE?? I think not...

~Angela xo


But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23

Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12 29:31

October comes to an end....

Today is the last day in October. That means it's the last day in my no make-up challenge. A few things I have learned this past month:
1. For the most part, I've enjoyed the freedom of not wearing make-up, especially the time saving aspect of it. I'm actually surprised at how open and transparent it made me feel. Make-up for me was definitely a security blanket. Without it, I feel raw, open, exposed; like I am putting myself out there for all to see.
2. Another thing, Sadie didn't notice. Not at all. I suppose that's good, though I'm not really sure she got anything out of this trial. But I did, so in turn, she will someday too.
3. No one treated me any different. I don't know why, but I was expecting they would.
4. It turned into so much more than just not wearing make-up for me. It made me look at how I truly see myself as a woman.
5. It drew me deeper into my relationship with Christ. Though I never really intended on it, or made the connection with biblical fasting, giving up make-up ended up being a fast of sorts.  I found myself turning to God and scripture more often, and relying on Him when feelings of insecurity and doubt surfaced.

When I first got the idea to do this, I had no idea how I would ever make it a whole month. The time flew by, and I 100% believe that the Lord used this to bring me closer to Him, and also, to bring me closer to my sisters in Christ. It has opened up communication with so many women who I now talk to on a more regular basis.  Who would have thought this silly little idea would have turned into so much in my life!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

It was definitely a success, I'm so happy I did it! Now, what's next? Any ideas?

~Angela

Ahh, the dreaded junk drawer...

We all have a drawer, closet, cupboard where we throw our miscellaneous stuff, our junk, to keep it out of sight. That stuff that doesn't really belong anywhere, but yet we still don't want to get rid of. Maybe you're like me and have many junk drawers, places to cram stuff away when company comes--kids and houses come with a lot of random paper work and the pile grows every. single. day. I just shove it away, out of sight. Cram it into that drawer, I'll deal with it another day, I say. Cram it away just to keep everything neat and tidy on the surface. The drawer grows and grows, eventually overflowing the 'stuff' that, if I'm honest, most of which is garbage, on to our neat and tidy counter for everyone to see.

I sometimes compare peoples' lives (specifically mine) to a junk drawer. All the 'stuff' we cram inside ourselves that we don't want to get rid of, past hurts, mistakes, what if's, I should haves....we hold on to that stuff for what ever reason. We tuck it away into the junk drawer of our minds and try to keep our outward appearance looking neat and tidy. Yet it beats away at the insides of us, just trying to escape out. Some one said to me after my first blog post that when they met me they thought I had it "all put together". I didn't even know how to react to that. Me. All put together. I guess my mask had been doing what I wanted it to do. If anyone knew the furry that goes on in my head. The swirling junk drawer of crap. The self doubt, the blame for past mistakes, the what if's, the how can I do this...I am anything but all put together...

This post was inspired by one of my good friends Jo-Anne. She shared a passage from a book she had started reading called You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth, it says:
"It's time you knew you're amazing."
"I mean it's time you REALLY knew. And there's more:
-You're not only amazing.
-You're enough.
-You're beautiful.
-You're wanted.
-You're chosen.
-You're called.
-You've got what it takes...not just to survive but to change the world."

One part of that grabbed a hold of me...You're enough....if only we could believe that of ourselves. Say it out loud. I am Enough. We don't need that junk drawer to keep holding on to our crap. We need to unpack the drawer instead of shoving all our stuff away, trying to keep our neat and tidy outward appearance. We need to make peace with the garbage we are dragging along with us. You are enough, as you are, with all your stuff.  The junk does not define us, but does shape us. It is what God uses to make us grow, to make us more beautiful. And best of all, because we are children of God, we are free from the chains and burden of our junk. Christ carries it all for us. Hallelujah!


Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Matthew 11: 28-30


Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

Join me in unpacking your junk drawer!

~Angela

Day 5

For we are God's masterpiece...
Eph 2:10

Can I just say, I am completely blown away by the response I received after writing my first post. I have had women of all ages approach me about the blog. People were moved by it and identified with it and I am so grateful for that.
Today is day 5, and I will say that not wearing makeup hasn't been as hard as I expected it to be, and I haven't stayed at home and hid either. One immediate bonus is my getting ready time has cut down significantly! There have only been a couple moments when I was talking with someone and remembered that my face was naked. I instantly felt a lurch in my stomach and my self confidence crumble, but I was able to shake it off quite quickly. Another thing, I don't think my little Sadie has noticed at all! I have come to believe that makeup is not the problem here, it's our attitude toward it that gets us into trouble. We don't need it to complete us, hide us, or make us something we aren't. We need to embrace and respect what the Lord has given us and let our true selves shine through, whether wearing makeup or not.
Using the New Living Translation, Ephesians 2:10 says For we are God's masterpiece... Think about that for a second. You are a masterpiece! Other translations use the word workmanship. I just love the NLT use of masterpiece, it implies that not only are we made by God, but we are made with great care to be His most wonderful creation. A masterpiece! I can't get it out of my head! So, go ahead, wear makeup, but know that you are wonderful without it. Realize that it makes you no better or more worthy than you already are...for you are already God's masterpiece!  Keep that in your mind for the day/week/month/forever!

As for me, I will continue to carry on with this journey. Without my makeup, I feel more open and vulnerable, and for now, I like that. I believe God has more to teach me though this and I'm so looking forward to sharing it all with you!


xo Angela


Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God 
1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT

Hello, My name is Angela...and I'm pretty....I think.....

Well, where to begin.....Might as well start off by introducing myself. I'm a 31 year old wife, mother of 3, sister to 2, daughter (middle child!), but most importantly a child of God. The Lord called me back to church just over 3 years ago and I have re-dedicated my life to Him! It's been a roller coaster ride ever since. I've grown and learned many things about myself, and also been through some difficult times. Right now, I'm at a point in my christian walk where God is tapping me on my shoulder and telling me to step out of my comfy little box I have built!

I've been thinking about writing a blog for some time now, been going back and forth on what I would actually write about. You see, I'm shy and insecure. I often think some pretty cool things in my head, but I'm always reluctant to share them because I worry about looking or sounding silly. I'm a work in progress we will say. This all stems from a desperate need to be 'perfect'. Over the past 3 years this has been my biggest lesson/struggle. I know I am not perfect, I am human, and therefore filled with many imperfections. There is only one who can be given that label and He died for us to break free from things like this! That is what I remind myself daily when I start on with the mental head games, it is so easy for the enemy to sneak in there in our weak moments and start to break us down! Don't give him the opportunity!

Anyway, I decided to go ahead with writing this blog because I've had an idea swirling around in my head for the past week or so. Growing up, I never felt pretty, at least not from about grade 7 and on, and especially not 'naturally pretty'. From about grade 8, I wore make-up every. single. day. I felt naked and ugly without it. Since having my 3rd child, it's not as bad, I will run to the store without it, without feeling too stressed out, but still don't feel like me without at least some foundation on.  My oldest daughter Sadie, aged 3, has a great love of make-up. She watches me put it on, tries to sneak in my makeup drawer and put it on herself or her dolls. She will pick up each piece of makeup and ask me 'where dis go', and proceed to put it on. She calls it "getting pretty", I correct her by saying things like, no we don't need makeup to be pretty, you are beautiful, Mommy is beautiful. Nope, she doesn't agree, "NO" she yells, "I need to get pretty", as she reaches for the makeup brush... Ugh, stab to my gut. This is not how I wanted this to go! A long time ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never say anything bad about myself in front of my kids. I have done well with that, but clearly it's not enough, I do not want my daughters to grow up with the insecurities I have. So, I have a plan and I'm giving myself a challenge. I've talked to God about it, asked Him to let me know if He thinks I should go through with it and He did today. Here it goes...I'm going to take the month of October, that's the next 28 days, and go without makeup (I'm even doubting myself as I type this). I'm going to call myself pretty, I'm going to call my girls pretty, but not only pretty, more importantly, I'm going to call us smart, strong, funny, caring, important, loved.....and see where we are in November...

So here I am, unmasked...

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God 
1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT



~ Angela