Safe and Saved

About this time last year, I picked up running. I'd been mostly inactive for at least a few months to half a year before that. I was just doing some exercise here and there, with no real commitment to anything. I spent last spring, summer, and early fall running. I loved it, I felt accomplished. After my last race in October, I decided I needed to focus on increasing my strength for my upcoming trip to Guatemala, where I knew we would be doing hard physical labour. I have been totally hooked on weightlifting for the past six months. This marks one year that I have been 100% committed and consistent with doing some type of strenuous physical activity.

I am always in awe of the things our bodies were created to do. How our bodies can adapt and overcome. How we can push through hardness and come out feeling like we have succeeded. There is no feeling like crossing a finish line after a long arduous race, it's a high like no other. I love working out. I love sharing my love of working out with other people. I'm happy at the gym, I'm happy with my running shoes on. I want to empower women to be physically active. To show them the effort is worth it.

But there is one thing in the back of my mind that tears down all these wonderful feelings. I haven't lost any weight in this past year. There are times in the year I have, but nothing that has consistently stayed off. The funny part is, I'm not overweight. I don't need to lose weight. I'm healthy the way I am, and now after this past year, I'm even more physically healthy. I still can't shake that nagging feeling....

I feel like I am stuck in the middle zone of two different worlds. My heart is so passionate about woman accepting themselves as they are, that I find myself having tremendous guilt when I start to become focused on how I 'look'. My number one goal is to be healthy, and I am. I have done a lot in my life to overcome feeling crappy about my weight. Yet, I still struggle.

My friend, Ali, shared a post on Facebook, Tigers, weight gain, and what I accomplished this deployment, and I have been thinking about it ever since. I can totally identify with what this woman is talking about. Take a second to read her post. I'm going to do what she did, and take a second to get real honest.

When I saw the photos of our trip to Guatemala, instead of noticing the beautiful things in the photo, or remembering the people and events that happened in the setting of the photo; my first instinct was to look at how I looked. I focused on all the negative parts of me. Tearing myself down. Instead of seeing the truth in this photo, I saw the rolls on my belly. I missed the fact that I was in Guatemala. The fact that I was surrounded by smiling, laughing children, the beautiful green grass, and my wonderful new friend coming out of her shell to share a laugh with these children.

I feel guilty for thinking of myself after living through an experience like we had in Guatemala. I feel like a failure when thinking of all the people who supported me on this trip.  

So here I am, trapped in this twilight zone of proclaiming self acceptance, empowerment for woman, feeling strong and healthy, yet being concerned with the extra bit of fat that may or may not inhabit my body. I know how I SHOULD feel and think. Everyday is a struggle. I'm missing out on truly SEEING and truly LIVING.  But how do I make it a reality? 

I sing to God the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved. 

2 Samuel 22:4 (The Message) 

There is only one who I can turn to and find comfort. It's the same one that created this strong, amazingly complex body of mine. The one who gave me the strength and drive to run two half marathons last fall. The one that created my muscles to work together, to give me energy when I feel like I have none. The one who created the beautiful world in which I am in awe of every time I go outside for a run. The one who created those happy, loving children in Guatemala, the cliffs along the river we boated on, the stunning hot spring and waterfall we visited. The one who gave me life, the one who gave me my family.  

Safe and Saved. That's what I want to be. 

That's what I am. 

~Angela